One of the best parts of being a social species is that we get to have tons upon tons of stifling social rules imposed on us that we absolutely must adhere to on pain of ostracization. But don’t feel left out, homebrewing community! Even you can enjoy this ambrosial luxury!
My fellow prisoners, let us look at the rules of Homebrew Etiquette for both homebrewers and their friends.
For Homebrewers
You will give homebrews to your friends.
They are your friends because you like them. People whom you like deserve to drink good beer. And since you make the best beer ever, you are obligated to share your creations.
Relatedly, you will provide pouring instructions with your homebrews.
Non-homebrewers don’t understand: there is yeast and other gunk on the bottom of that bottle. Ah, how often I have seen a relative drink a homebrew straight from the bottle, only to complain about it tasting more and more weird as they went along. You know how to pour a homebrew — they do not. Enlighten them.
You will try to get your best friends into homebrewing.
Tell your friends how easy it is (lie). Let them try a few of your best homebrews so they can see what’s possible. Maybe even offer to sit in on their first brew day to supervise from afar. Lay off if they just don’t seem interested, but if you see even a hint of desire in their eyes, draw it out so it can blossom. Love exists to be shared, and there is no greater love than that between a man and his homebrew. Share the love with those around you. They’ll stop drinking so many of your homebrews if they have their own.
You will talk about things other than homebrewing once in a while.
You think homebrewing is awesome. This is because homebrewing is awesome. Some people, however, are wrong about everything, and will get tired of hearing about homebrewing very quickly. Find a new conversation topic before you lose all of your friends. Politics! You know, there’s a lot of politics right now! My god, just talk about something else.
You will not fight with your spouse or significant other while homebrewing.
Look, homebrewing can get complicated and messy. You will drop things, struggle with siphons, slop on the floor, encrust your stovetop with Bob-knows-what— let it go. Laugh at your stupidity. It’s either that or you end up tearing each other’s heads off, which is America’s leading cause of divorce. Plus, if you divorce, you have to split up the equipment.
Alternatively, it might just be a better idea to pick a homebrewing partner whom you’re not romantically involved with. OW! Or do. Forget I said that. Brewing with someone you love is the best. Ow, that really hurt…
For Homebrewers’ Friends
You will not ask your homebrewing friend for homebrews.
I know, we keep talking about the money we’re saving by homebrewing, but we really aren’t saving worth a sack of maggots. We’re constantly buying new equipment, software, ingredients, etc., because we want to make the best homebrews possible. Thanks to that, our homebrews end up being pretty expensive on a per-bottle basis. If we want you to have them, you’ll get them, but don’t ask for them. Would you go into someone’s home and ask to eat their food? Oh. Well, don’t.
You will learn how to pour homebrews.
On the bottom of each bottle of homebrew is a layer of yeast and crud. You don’t want to drink that. As Victory would spin it, it’s “not the most flavorful part of the beer.” Pour just vigorously enough to raise a good head without disturbing the sediment too much, leaving the bottom 1/4″. You’ll find that most of the sediment collects in the little corner where the bottle juts out from the neck, leaving you with clear, homebrewed joy in your glass.
Another note: Do not stop pouring once you’ve started. If you tilt the bottle back upright while pouring, you’ll mix the sediment in with what’s left in the bottle. Do your friends’ homebrews justice: Don’t make them taste ooky.
You will return your homebrewing friend’s bottles.
Agh! What are you doing?! We can use that bottle again! Here here, no, look, you just rinse it out, there. Now set it upside down to dry. See? And then we’ll use it next time. Hey, are you done with that Yeung? Can I have the bottle? Oh wait, those are twist-offs. Never mind.
You will not ask to watch your homebrewing friend brew.
We have enough sanitary concerns to worry about without a whole ‘nother organism in the room. If your homebrewing friend invites you over, then yeah, go ahead and watch, but don’t invite yourself. Besides, brewing is a mind-numblingly boring thing to watch. It’s very much like a Star Wars movie: Two hours of nothing happening, followed by fifteen minutes of complete chaos.
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